Apparently The Old Person Filter App Is Russia Spying On Us And Using Facial Recognition Software

Dead look at me…

If you have the internet, you may have caught a glimpse of one of your friends or someone you follow looking old in the last 24 hours. It’s hysterical, right? One of the funniest things you’ll ever see in your life, no doubt about it. Anyway, after a few hours of the hilarity it became reported that the FaceApp is actually a Russian owned company and they’re using facial recognition software because apparently it’s mostly American men who can brave the idea of aging and everyone in the KGB is gay with an American fetish so they want all the free pictures they can get. Or something like that, I got distracted and didn’t finish researching it so I kinda just made-up my own stuff there. The point is that Russians are using this to farm your pictures.

*steps to the mic*

*channels Jay Cutler*

DONNNNNNNNN’TTTTTTTT CAAAAAAARRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEE

Look, I’m not one of these people who say things like “spy on me, I’ve got nothing to hide.” I’ve got lots to hide. I’ve got pictures of my penis, drunk texts, a whole weekend where my only communication was with Postmates automated delivery texts and they were coming like four times a day. There’s plenty I don’t want the world, or nosy CIA and/or foreign agents, to see. Further, I understand that spying is bad and the precedent it sets.

However, it’s too late. We lost the war. Spying happens and it happens incessantly. Instagram is a good tool to check in on your friends but it’s an even better tool to remember what brands you were talking about recently, because they’re definitely gonna pop up as an advertisement in the next 10-12 hours. In the Cold War people feared listening devices planted in their homes, now we pay for them out of pocket and address it by name when we talk to it. Cambridge Analytica, remember them? There’s countless examples of technology overstepping its boundaries so if you think I’m going to worry about Pavel pounding off to my face you’re nuts.

The fact of the matter is that technology is going to end us long before climate change has a chance to do it in apocalyptic fashion, so might as well have some fun while we’re here and see what we’d potentially look like at an age we’re probably never going to reach.